When I woke up today

I knew exactly how the day was going to be. I should have known better than to not take my xanax before bed. It shuts my brain off so that I can sleep peacefully. But, I thought- If Im pregnant, I cant take it so I really need to start getting used to not taking it.

Last night I dreamt about waking up and testing. I dreamt that the test would instantly show up positive. I dreamt about telling my husband on his birthday that he was going to be a dad. I dreamt that he cried and kissed my belly. I dreamt that I was happy.
So when I woke up, full of anxiety I knew what was going to happen. I knew that because of everything I dreamt it would go exactly the way I knew deep down it would go. And it did.

I tested, and stared at the test for 5 solid minutes. and nothing happened. Nothing. I crawled back in bed and cried.

I feel like Im out...

I tested. I'm at 12dpo. BFN. I know its still possible, but I feel like I'm out.
Up until this point I was still really hopeful. My boobs hurt so bad I cant stand it. I have slight cramping. I'm exhausted. I was hoping that this was my cycle. That it's my turn. I know I'm only on cycle 4, and that's still nothing compared to what some go through...but it doesn't take away from the pain of wanting something so badly it hurts and having the feeling that its no longer your cycle.
I may be over analysing, as I am only at 12dpo and i know a lot of girls who have gotten BFN's at 12dpo and then a BFP on 14dpo. There is still hope....but its fading.
I wont test tomorrow, out of fear. I will wait until Sunday. Then probably test everyday until AF gets here. That will be a sad day.